By Jamie Gabrini
For those Very Serious Wine People, I hereby apologize on behalf of myself, my genetors, and anyone fool enough to admit relation thereof; the following article is the result of late night pondering after tasting, perhaps not so professionally, with colleagues, friends, and other random tramps. Regular readers of The Wine Chicks are accustomed to such knuckleheaded behavior and will likely roll their jaded eyes and shrug and mumble Yeah, it figures.
What would the characters of ‘The Honeymooners’ drink, if any of them had cash to spend on wine?
Ralph: Hes the easiest. Ralph would drink anything with a high score. He has no clue what the difference is between any of it, but if its got a big label and a big score, hes in like Flynn. And dont think you wont hear about it Ralph isnt known for his tact or discretion. His pathetic wine rack is the talk of the Raccoon Lodge rather, it is if hes the one doing the talking.
Alice: As always, Alice is the brains behind the operation. Through all Ralphs shouting and banging about with scores, shes actually picked up a thing or two. Alice has been known to pull the ol switcheroo on Ralph when she thinks hell get himself in a financial pickle; hence, unbeknownst to Ralphie boy, Alice has handled some of his purchasing, buying bargain bottles, assuring him that thats what he was after all along. Shes also become a silent Spanish wines connoisseur; apparently, those afternoons spent mamboing with Carlos really paid off!
Norton: Despite the outward appearance of being an utter simpleton, Nortons a delicate, gentle soul. His middle name is, after all, Lilywhite, and his idol worship of French sewer engineers exposes his admiration of the upper echelon of society. Norton has a taste for elegance that is expressed by his affinity for delicate Burgundies and Chablis. Hes even been known to fancy a spritzer but only Trixie knows about this, under penalty of death upon disclosure.
Trixie: Her career as a dance hall girl in her wild yesteryear has given Trix a taste for booze, namely bourbon and scotch. Trix is such a pro that she can tell which liquor it is by the sound of the cap being unscrewed - it makes her ears prick up like a watchdog hearing a twig snap. Now a respectably married woman, Trix abstains and feigns ignorance most days, unless she happens to bump in to one of the girls and they sneak a late afternoon drinkie-poo.
Mrs. Manicotti: Whatever her husbands fermenting in the basement. Sure, it could peel the paper off the walls, but man! You should try it with her meatballs!
Alices mother: Ralphs reviled mother-in-law is a true wine snob, and with good reason: she had a torrid affair with a French officer during World War I while stationed there as a nurse. Shed rather die than ever admit to it, but she spent many a hedonistic afternoon tasting the pleasures of Paris. Shed also rather die than taste the plonk poured around her in Brooklyn, and has therefore taken the seemingly high road of being a teetotaller. But oh! Henri! Si tu savais …